No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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