i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
zippers are such a cool invention
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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