I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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