My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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