I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Swine flu is the new snow day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
