a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
