I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
