you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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