No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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