I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
