I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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