I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
