Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
