When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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