fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
