if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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