sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
