No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just want nice things and good sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
