Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize