Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
