the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
