Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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