Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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