The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
