piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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