Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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