how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
