I cannot find my penis.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
