moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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