I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
