Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
