If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
