Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
