it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
