you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You almost got us killed.
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