We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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