The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
