Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
