My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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