he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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