Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
