I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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