So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
