God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
