apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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