I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
