There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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