sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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