When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize