I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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