Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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