update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
