Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
