It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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