can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Watching her eat just hurts me
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
