It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
