CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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