I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My cat gives me a boner
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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