Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
