i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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